Katy McDermott

If Canada ever decides to attack us, or an earthquake destroys our townhome development in suburbia, I’m all set for supplies. I just got back from Costco. I have two dozen of everything.

I go to the warehouse store every few months or so, and the variety and volume of their merchandise always amazes me. Floor wax, ketchup, batteries, frozen chicken wings, vitamins, grapes – as long as you want vast quantities of it, you can probably find it. There are some drawbacks, of course. Every brand of shampoo comes in 72-ounce bottles only – far too big for my delicate hands (which unfortunately don’t match my waist circumference…)

Because I don’t have a pre-Vatican-II-Catholic-sized family (in fact, it’s just me, my husband, and our niece), I only buy non-perishable items. The only fresh foodstuff we could consume before it spoiled would be the chocolate chip cookies – and since we’d each have to eat 6 a day for a week, I just don’t bring them into the house.

Bar soap, however, is a different matter. Some time ago, I came home with a huge pack of Irish Spring bars. Every time I head to Costco now, I ask my husband if he needs replacements. Every time, he replies, “Nope. I’m good.” His hygiene is excellent – but he’s been saying this for three years.

Speaking of hygiene, do you happen to have an especially – productive – infant? If so, Costco’s the place for you. You can buy a package of 900 baby wipes there. 900. Not a typo. I don’t have kids, so I can’t say for sure, but I think your child could be well into grade school before you could go through them.

But before babies enter the picture, you first have to pair off with someone. Did you realize that your local warehouse store can be a tremendous relationship ally? For the courtship phase, you can procure some extremely tasty Belgian chocolates (yes, I tried them – it was research!) and lovely violet-and-rose bouquets. The fresh flowers may seem incongruous, displayed as they are between gallon jugs of disinfectant and 350-count bottles of Pepcid, but they’re there.

When the relationship turns serious, you can browse the fine jewelry section for an engagement ring. So what if there’s about as much romance in this as in a locker room full of post-game basketball players? The prices can’t be beat.

As for a bridal registry, who needs Tiffany’s? Ask your guests to procure their wedding presents at the warehouse store, and you’ll not only get the pots, pans, cutlery, and salad spinner you so desperately need, you’ll also be set for life in terms of condiments. And since no bridal registry is complete without a slow cooker, you can add that to your list as well. On my most recent trip to Costco, I saw a Crock pot that came with a mini Crock pot included – so it can take up even more space and be even more useless!

When you’re planning your honeymoon, don’t forget about those racks of brochures at the front of the warehouse – Costco can arrange everything from a luxury cruise through the Aegean isles to a romantic getaway to Bora Bora. And of course, once you buy your first home, look to Costco to provide your garage door, heating system, custom countertops, carpets, and “window fashions” (I can’t help visualizing a bay window asking a transom “do these curtains make my panes look fat?”).

You can find mattresses, patio furniture, leather recliners, home office furniture, and even several types of ferns in addition to your standard bulk-quantity items. In fact, it might be a good idea to purchase an extra-large storage shed to house the extra-large stuff you buy.

Of all the enormous items I’ve seen at the warehouse store, though, none was as laugh-out-loud-in-disbelief astonishing as the 12-pound chocolate cake in the bakery. You heard me. Twelve pounds. It looked like an unusually appetizing tree stump. (In a forest I’d love to get lost in, by the way.)

But as much as the concept of an elephantine chocolate cake appeals to me, I can’t help but wonder if it’s quintessentially American to want more and bigger stuff. Are there Costcos in the UK? Sam’s Clubs in Bulgaria? Warehouse stores in – sacre bleu! – France? (I must admit, it’s tough to imagine a 12-pound baguette.) A quick Google search tells me there are. Forget McDonald’s, Microsoft, and Disney. I think Costco wants to take over the world.

And apparently, those of us who shop there have never heard of the environmental movement. It makes me wonder if Costco’s ever inspired sign-wielding protesters to block its doors. The hard plastic, cardboard, and cellophane that shroud pretty much everything in the store seem designed to last well into the next millennium. (You’re welcome, Future!)

But perhaps I’m getting overly political here. Perhaps it’s just a question of others shopping at Costco for the same reason I do – to save money. The siren song of the 24-pack of paper towels can be pretty tough to resist. I’ve seen actual rich people shopping there. Back when I was a pharmaceutical salesperson, I called on cardiologists. I saw one of my former clients at Costco last week, and I assume he makes a pretty good living. Probably drives a Porsche and lives in a 5,000-square-foot mansion in a gated community designed to keep riffraff like former pharmaceutical salespeople out.

Still… 460-count dryer sheets…