Katy McDermott

’Tis the season for greeting cards – Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, graduations, communions. ’Tis also the season for intensive therapy.

I never realized how inadequate card stores can make a person feel. According to greeting card writers, all mothers are “the best Mom ever,” all graduates face a future of unlimited brilliance, and any child who makes First Holy Communion is second in piety only to the pope.

What about the lapsed Catholic, the unemployed MBA, and the Jerry Springer Show guest whose mom stole her boyfriend?

Card stores celebrate stereotypes, which I suppose is only natural when you have two lines to sum up a type of person or major event. And much like McDonald’s TV commercials, they have separate sections for African-Americans. (Apparently a Kente-patterned border and a Maya Angelou quote are sufficient to represent an entire ethnicity.)

Perhaps I sound a little like Eeyore, but I find it interesting to note how card stores grapple with genuinely serious issues. Long-term care for the elderly: an accent pillow featuring the stitched message “Be kind to your children – someday they’ll choose your nursing home!” Divorce: carefully worded “starting over” cards. Disease: “support” wristbands and ribbon-shaped “awareness” car magnets. And speaking of thorny issues, those car magnets are also available in both pro-Democrat and pro-Republican varieties, so you can bash whichever party you choose…

But I guess I need to ’fess up: I love Hallmark.

Why? That’s easy: I want the kind of life they’re marketing. I know exactly what they’re doing, but it works. Also, some of the merchandise makes me laugh out loud. Right there in the store. It’s kind of embarrassing, actually.

As an advertising copywriter myself, I’d like to shake the hands of the people who come up with some of their wittier messages (“You don’t look a day older than whatever age you’re claiming to be.”) A humorous or (much harder to do) heartfelt turn of phrase can inspire a shopper to make the all-important leap from chuckling or nodding at a coffee mug on the shelf to marching up to the cash register and paying $9.95 for it.

Slogans may not be high art, but they can be funny. Or even moving.

I’ve also loved seeing the evolution of the card sections in recent years. Where once there were only “You’re expecting!” and “Congratulations on the Birth of Your Baby!” cards, now there are cards celebrating single parenthood and both heterosexual and same-sex adoption. Need a social change barometer? Forget Twitter – just visit your local Hallmark.

Unfortunately, card stores often remind me of the life I don’t enjoy. There are entire sections devoted to plaques, flags, and doormats for one’s summer home. Additionally, there are racks of “Hallmark Hall of Fame” DVDs featuring women who are much better-looking and pluckier than I will ever be, and CDs of inspiring music I feel as if I should like but rarely do.

Some card stores have chocolates, though. I like those!

To be fair, card stores also make me think of the things I do have – and am very grateful for. They may translate a 30-year friendship into a moderately amusing cocktail napkin, and a profound love into a light-up Valentine’s Day lapel pin, but even so, card stores serve their purpose.

One of those purposes is gift wrap. As long as you don’t think about what you’re paying for paper that’s destined to be ripped, scrunched in a ball with other presents’ wrappings, and thrown out with last night’s potato peelings, Hallmark gift wrap is a great deal. And for the truly lazy, you can go the “gift bag” route – no tape or scissors needed, perfect for “wrapping” a present in the car on your way to a party. They even offer coordinating tissue paper, ribbons, and embellishments. It’ll look like Martha Stewart wrapped your birthday present. Kind of lost on an 8-year-old, but still…

I visit my local Hallmark every other week. Birthdays, anniversaries, engagements, retirements, even funerals…

Sometimes I fall prey to the lure of the “impulse buy” book – those small square tomes extolling the beauty of friendship or exposing the funny side (there is one, apparently) of middle age. If I’m feeling particularly sorry for myself (and I can almost always find a reason to), I get a couple of chocolate-covered pretzels as well…

In fact, I was in there just the other week. I got several birthday cards, two graduation cards, a communion card, and a Father’s Day card.

And, I admit, a coffee mug.

Featuring Eeyore.